The Tampa training drill turned into a complete headache

If you spent your Friday night tuning into England versus New Zealand in Tampa, I hope you at least had a drink in hand. Calling this a 'friendly' is like calling a colonoscopy an adventurous afternoon. It was supposed to be the tuning-up session for the World Cup campaign, but instead, it looked like watching paint dry in a sauna.

Thomas Tuchel was clearly not impressed, and frankly, neither was anyone with a pulse. He tore into his first-half XI for deciding they were playing in a public park rather than an international stage. Apparently, 'freestyling' is the new tactical blueprint for the Three Lions. Spoiler alert: it didn't work.

The pitch was an absolute disaster zone

Let's talk about the surface, or lack thereof. The pitch in Tampa was effectively a sand dune with white lines drawn on it. It was jarring to watch world-class players stumble around like they were auditioning for a low-budget reboot of The Beach. Tuchel rightfully let his frustrations be known regarding the state of the grass, or whatever vegetation was supposedly growing under those boots.

It is a miracle no one tore a hamstring trying to plant their foot on that mess. The injury risk alone was enough to make any manager see red, let alone a guy like Tuchel. If you want to see professional athletes look like they are playing on a slip-and-slide, this was your main event.

Harry Kane saves face, but the alarm bells are ringing

England walked away with a win, but it was the kind of victory that makes you want to hand the trophy back out of sheer embarrassment. Harry Kane, being the professional that he is, did his job. He found the net, the final score was 1-0, and then everyone pretended it was a productive evening. Don't let the stats fool you. Tuchel had to deal with an injury scare late on, which is exactly how you don't want to start a tournament run.

The New Zealand manager even chimed in, basically saying England needs to be better. When the opposition is taking shots at your lack of structure, we have a problem. The 'freestyling' comments are the biggest red flag. This isn't a kickabout in the backyard; there's a World Cup starting in 3 days.

What to expect before the real lights turn on

We are down to one final warm-up match. That is it. If England plays with the same lack of urgency they showed in Florida, the group stage is going to be a long, painful ride. Tuchel clearly wants a much-changed squad for the next outing, and honestly, he should. He needs to see who actually wants to play his brand of football and who is just showing up to get their stamps in their passports.

The media might try to spin this as a 'valuable learning experience', but let's be real. It was a chore. We sat through 90 minutes of half-hearted jogging and questionable ground maintenance. If they don't tighten things up, the summer is going to involve a lot of early flights home for a very expensive set of players.

The real interest came from the sweltering aesthetics in Tampa Bay as England failed to impress.

We have entered the 'find out' phase of the tournament preparation. Either Tuchel finds a way to drill some discipline into this group, or we should prepare for the usual cycle of hope and crushing disappointment. History has a funny way of repeating itself, even when you change the manager in the dugout.